Choosing the Sun

 Charleston Lake, June 2010

Charleston Lake, June 2010

I'm tired of being sad.  
My goodness, it's exhausting.

I mean, listen, there is happiness, of course there is, and there's genuine laughter and connection and hope, and it's not all let's-hide-under-the-sheets around here, but there has been this undercurrent of sadness through my life that has become so very wearying. And I've had it up to here (reach hands above your head, please, for illustrative purposes).

But what about THE REASONS?  Yes!  There are reasons to be sad, look at them, aren't they good ones?  Don't you agree?  And so many!  Just look at them over there, being all valid.  

Yes, yes, I quite agree, you say (just go with me, here).  Those are some mighty fine reasons.  I don't think any of us would blame you if you dug a hole and climbed in and never came out.  I was just saying to my friend, did you see the validity of those reasons?  And she was like, WHOA.  But we were noticing some other reasons, over there.  They also look pretty valid.

Over where?

Over there in the sunshine.  By the sound of all that giggling, I'd have to guess that they're reasons for joy.  There seem to be a lot of them too, although it's rather hard to count them. They don't seem to want to sit still.    

Oh.  They look somewhat familiar.  But, well, what about the sad ones?  They don't seem to be going anywhere.

True.  And they may not go anywhere for quite some time.  But you have a choice:  you can dig down into the dark or you can turn toward the sun.  Which will it be?


I want the sun.  

No.  Correction:  In this moment, right now, I am choosing the sun.  

This is not a "want", not something I desire that I hope to achieve or receive some day in the future.  This is something I need and it's here for me now (well isn't that something).  I am choosing the sun and I will choose it again and again every time the reasons for sadness beckon me over and exhaust me with their worries.  When they pull the blanket over me, as they will from time to time, I will fight my way to the edge and grab hold and lift the sadness off of me and choose the sun.  

Because I am tired of being sad.

Because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  

And because I've had it up to...yes, about there (you can put your arms down now).